The Department of Homeland Security issued an alert through the National Hand Turkey Advisory System warning citizens about a sudden and concentrated increase in hand turkey population.
Department officials have said that although a surge in population this time of the year is not unusual, certain factors have coalesced to make their presence more noticeable.
For instance, because of a season of unpredictably low yields of crayons, experts believe that the extra concentrations of sketched turkeys would put a massive strain on the country’s coloring supply. Watchdog groups generally agree that there are enough crayons for the creation of domestic hand turkeys. But the burden of using existing supply to accommodate undocumented hand turkeys would strain reserves beyond capacity.
In addition, the issue of social non-conformity is of concern. In a street poll conducted by The National Quandary, 86% of those polled raise the matter that English speakers among hand turkeys are rare. Most are effectively mute unless they are one of the select few lucky enough to have their creators include a few “Gobble Gobbles” in their native language, Turkease. The language is difficult to grasp, as slightly different inflections or pronunciations of the word “Gobble” can take on entirely new meanings if pronounced incorrectly. For this reason, most hand turkeys do not assimilate well with the general population and tend to stick with their own.
Congressional lawmakers have had an awareness of the problem for some time, and are currently working on legislation to alleviate the problem. Most legislators believe that the DREAMPT Act (Development, Relief, and Education for Alien Minors of Paper Turkey’s Act) would play a key role in assimilating undocumented hand turkeys.
The bill has faced difficulties in the Senate, failing to amass enough votes to pass. Insiders point to government earmarks mysteriously added to the bill that have involved requests for increased cranberry sauce and gravy production.
When we revealed the difference between paper hand turkeys and actual turkeys, one congressional aide, who spoke to us off the record, replied, “Who cares? No one reads this shit anyway.”
Happy Thanksgiving from the staff at TNQ!
