KUNIPER BELT, Solar System – In astronomical circles, there has been an abundance of discussion about Pluto and how exactly to label the chilly world.
But Pluto has learned to put a positive spin on pretty much anything nowadays. Once considered the ninth and most distant planet from the sun, it is now the largest known dwarf planet in the solar system as far as Earth’s astronomers are concerned.
“When I heard about the title change, it hurt bad,” admitted Pluto. “Who wouldn’t be stung by it? I know all about the human need to classify things they don’t understand, but that’s just the way they attempt to understand. The way I look at it, I was the smallest planet. Now I’m the biggest dwarf. It’s kind of like being the world’s tallest midget.”
Pluto conceded that he had been in a funk for thousands of millenniums, but was turned around after an unlikely bout of fate.
“A couple of years ago, I was buzzed by a satellite from Earth. It felt good to have some company out here and to know that someone is thinking about me. New Horizons was its name I believe. There were a bunch of self-help books onboard that I snagged during its flyby. One that really resonated with me was this book by Mark Manson. After reading it, I’ve learned how to analyze my own existence using my own metrics, not anybody else’s. I know I’ll never be as hot as Mercury, and I know I’m slow. It does take me 248 years to make a trip around the sun. But considering the life I’ve had and what I’ve had to overcome, I’m really doing pretty good. I may not be viewed as a success when compared to other planets, but I’ve got a different metric that I measure myself by. And I’m proud of what I’ve become. I may be rock and ice on the outside, but I do have a big heart. It’s right there on my hemisphere. So I don’t care about what know-it-alls on Earth say about me. Can’t be bothered anymore.”
“HEY PLUTO”, we heard a voice interrupt. “MAYBE IF YOU’D HIT THE WEIGHTS, YOU WOULDN’T BE SUCH A DWARF! JUST SAYIN.”
“Oh, that’s just Uranus.”, said Pluto. “He does a flyby shouting whenever he gets into range. HEY URANUS! THE WHOLE SOLAR SYSTEM KNOWS WHAT A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE YOU ARE!”
Currently, Pluto is happily orbiting with his interstellar neighbors, Charon, Kerberos, Nix, Hydra, and Styx.
